MLF Rebels Raid Tzununa

This transcript is the audio portion of Moe Wright III's War Channel documentary, which aired last week on Indirect TV. Wright, AKA "Our Man in Guatemala," has been embedded with the MLF (Mojito Liberation Front) since they captured the mint fields on the slopes of Volcán San Pedro last Tuesday.

Wright: "MLF forces reached the heavily fortified mountain stronghold of Tzununa last night in a commandeered chicken bus that still had a few chickens running loose in the aisles. Fortunately, one of the rebels brought a package of instant molé sauce, so we had a great dinner the night before the battle.

"The firefight was intense as the MLF launched their first attack on the clandestine sugar fields hidden in the nearby mountains. Sugar is another key ingredient in making a Mojito, so control of these fields could put them into a position to move on Antigua next. The rebels fired a volley of feet-seeking missiles at the mercenary troops.

"Then the entire MLF Air Force—a crop duster from a nearby organic coffee plantation—sprayed the soldiers with Mojitos, incapacitating those who were not already incapacitated by the lack of feet.

"The battle was over in minutes. MLF forces had seized the sugar fields and celebrated the victory by declaring the next day Mojito Monday. After the battle, I was able to interview their leader, Commandante XL inside his bulletproof beer truck that serves as the MLF's mobile field headquarters:

Wright: "Commandante XL, please tell us why the coup?"

Commandante XL: "What coup? The last thing we want is to take over the government. Too much paperwork."

Wright: "Then exactly what is the goal of the MLF?

Commandante XL: "We are tired of being cheated on the rum by bartenders who don't know how to make a Mojito. Many of them bruise the mint when they crush it too vigorously, another thing we plan to put an end to. Now that we have captured the mint plantations and the sugar fields, our mission is almost accomplished."

Wright: "Where next with the MLF?"

Commandante XL: "Any bartender could predict our next move." (The guerrilla leader points a laser pen at Antigua on the map tacked to the wall.) "To capture the mortar and pestle plant outside Antigua. Once that is under our control, no one in the country can make a Mojito with the MLF seal of approval."