Obituary: Brandon Dane

"My mission in Guatemala is to teach all the dogs to speak English," our founding editor, Brandon Dane, announced when he arrived at the lake last year. "And some of the cats."

Upon learning the cats mainly come out at night, he immediately vowed to open a night school. Unfortunately, Brandon fell into the bonfire at el Barrio in San Pedro la Laguna before he could accomplish his worthy goal.

He was medivaced by helicopter for treatment at Miami’s distinguished Clinica Dominica (which doubles as a hooker bar after 8 PM) and recovered fully in six months.

The Ultimate Honor

In his honor, el Barrio named a drink for him. "The Flaming Brandon" is still on the drinks menu. Rumor has it that 10% of the sales of "The Flaming Brandon" go to help Guatemalan dogs learn to speak English. But only useful phrases such as, "Another round of Cubas!" and "Don’t cheat me on the rum!"

We are sad to report that Brandon is no longer with us. Following a 47-car pileup in south Florida, his stolen Trans Am ran off the Tallahassee Bridge and sank faster than Brandon could polish off a bottle of Botran Anejo. (But not much faster.)

His body has not yet washed ashore, but it’s not too soon to declare an International Minute of Silence in Memory of Brandon Dane, our founding editor, this July 4th. Walking down 7th Avenue or up a dirt and rock path today, it is hard to look at a Guatemalan dog without thinking that it could be speaking fluent English by now had Brandon not fallen into the bonfire at el Barrio.