Volcan Papaya Explodes!

"It was coming right at me!" said Moe Wright, one of thousands of eyewitnesses to the spectacular super-eruption of Volcán Papáya on the island of San Somewhere at Lake Atitlán last Tuesday.
Dormant for centuries, the classic fruit-shaped volcano had not erupted since the height of the Ottoman Empire (which, incidentally, collapsed after the invention of the sofa). Rivers of brilliant orange and yellow and red lava rippled down the slopes and into the lake and continue to do so at the Time of This Writing.
Land Ho!
The lava, after being cooled by the water, has gradually built up, increasing the western side of the island by five hectares. (The hectare, incidentally, was also the name for the currency of the Ottoman Empire.)
Mr. Wright, a Saskatoon tourist who works as a Freelance Expert Witness in DUI cases in Newfoundland, says he was nearly crushed by a boulder “…the size of a Flintstone Rib” (served only at Smokin' Joe's BBQ at La Piscina and other venues in San Pedro).

"It missed me by centimeters," he described the highlight of the volcano tour, which had reached the top of Volcán Papáya and was beginning to climb into the crater when the volcano exploded with the force of Vx5125 (3113), which is equivalent to the energy released by David Hasselhoff's latest vodka binge.

Thermal-Powered Pizza

According to Professor McGuffin, Chair of the Universidad de Guaro's Me and You and a Volcano that Just Blew Department, "The giant magma chamber beneath San Somewhere was thought to be semi-active. But no one suspected, let alone predicted, a super-eruption of such intensity.

"Until now, there was just enough thermal energy from the magma chamber to power the pizza oven at Fata Morgana in San Pedro." This was accomplished via a subterranean clay pipe apparently built by the pre-Maya people who founded the lake's first civilization.

"I'm a shaman, too!" Wright screamed as he was buckled into a straightjacket and was led to a flat-black helicopter with no markings that had landed atop the Tiki Towers (San Somewhere's exclusive timeshare condo and business complex) only minutes after the distraught tourist spoke with the international media.